The Fairy Dress
ONCE UPON A TIME…
Well ––actually twenty years ago to be precise, there was a fair Maiden who longed to be a designer of dresses. However the Maiden lived in a land which shunned the wearing of clothes ––that’s right, they were all nudists.
Now ––our fair Maiden here was of the opinion that being dressed was the better option, much better, that is, than going about ones business with ––well, with ones business flapping about like some kind of ghastly flag signalling nothing more to the receiver other than: “That’s right I have put on weight ––and yes, most of it is in an inappropriate place.” An opinion, I might add, which was received with derision by the entire populace of the land: “How dare she demand of us that which God Himself has never demanded of any of His creatures which walk His green Earth.” An argument our Maiden thought to preposterous, as she retorted: “Yes ––but where any of them are cold, He hath provided fur ––where any wet, He hath provided scales ––and where any to be an ungodly mess, He hath provided Dior with matching pumps to die for.” Their response to her theological treatise was swift ––they banished her to an inaccessible garden within the castle walls, in the hope that she’d never be heard from again.
However ––after wandering about its ivy clad ruins for many days, a Fairy Godfather did appear to her ––he introduced himself to her as: “My name, sweet maiden, is John of the Rocha ––and I am your Fairy Godfather ––I appear at times of crisis and aid you, by granting you all your desires.”
“You’re my Fairy Godfather?” the Maiden inquired incredulously.
“Why yes ––that is true fair Maiden.” replied John of the Rocha.
“And you appear when I am in crisis?” asked the Maiden.
“Yes!” replied John of the Rocha, rather curtly. “What’s the problem here ––it’s fairly self-explanatory.”
“Oh,” replied the Maiden, “I was just wondering what it is you regard to be a crisis ––I mean I didn’t see you appearing from a puff of smoke when the town’s people dragged me through the streets by my hair, or when banished my whole family to the land of rickets and sores ––or, indeed, when…”
“Okay ––okay ––I get it, what I meant to say was: a ‘fashion crisis’ ––I appear when you have a fashion crisis ––like if you were late to the ball and I’d do a bit of hocus-pocus with a mouse and a pumpkin and Bob’s your Uncle ––your carriage awaits Madam ––that sort of crisis.”
“Well, you needn’t have bothered anyway ––for you see I live in a land that forgoes clothes, fashion and all bodily adornment ––you’d be better off appearing to some other Maiden in some other land that prizes fashionable things above all else.”
“Why ––not so fair Maiden,” replied John of the Rocha, “for I come bringing good tidings ––about a riddle for Maidens such as you ––if you answer correctly you will be granted the fairy dress ––it confirms on the wearer the power to entice envy in the observer and therefore if you wear it ––your land will be converted to fashionable dress in no time.”
“What is the riddle?” asked the Maiden.
“What is it that has two faces, but just one enormous head ––has flamboyance but no common sense ––and has the ability to put its own foot into its mouth?”
“Oh?” thought the Maiden ––she pondered the riddle, it’s such a strange creature, she thought ––and then inspiration struck: “John Galliano!” she exclaimed.
“’Tis true.” said John of the Rocha and the Maiden was granted the fairy dress ––which did entice envy from all that saw her in it, why even the Ogre’s daughter, the one who was committed more than most to flaunting her fleshy rolls without a hint of shame, said: “Look at her ––thin as you like, covered head to toe, and proud as punch to boot ––get me one Daddy.”
And so ––within a short few years, the land turned away from its naked habits and all the inhabits lived happily dressed to the nines ever after, and the Maiden went on to a designer to most of the land ––except for the Ogre’s daughter, because she was a bitch.
